Shit by Whit | Dealing with the dark side

The dark side (dark triad) comprises the personality traits of narcissism, machiavellianism, and psychopathy. They are called "dark" because of their malevolent qualities. If you're not familiar with narcissists, machiavellians, and psychopaths, you should be. They're everywhere and they're making life difficult.

Psychopath

Psychopathy refers to callous disregard for the rights of others and is considered the most malevolent, and therefore the ‘darkest,’ of the triad. A psychopath is a person suffering from a chronic mental disorder with abnormal or violent social behavior.

Machiavellian

A personality trait centered on cold and manipulative behavior. Words associated with Machiavellians are: devious, cunning, crafty, artful, wily, sly, scheming, designing, conniving, opportunistic, insidious, treacherous, perfidious, two-faced, Janus-faced, tricky, double-dealing, unscrupulous, deceitful, dishonest. Machiavellianism, a cynical, manipulative approach to social interaction, is the next most dark and is sometimes considered a milder variant of psychopathy.

Narcissist

Excessive interest in or admiration of oneself and one's physical appearance. Selfishness, involving a sense of entitlement, a lack of empathy, and a need for admiration, as characterizing a personality type. Self-centeredness arising from failure to distinguish the self from external objects, either in very young babies or as a feature of mental disorder. Narcissism is considered the ‘lightest’ of these dark traits, as narcissists are often superficially attractive to others, at least initially, and have high self-esteem.

I've read that the best thing to do when you encounter the dark side is run! Run like a motherfucker! If you can't run (boss or co-worker, family, next-door neighbor), here are some tips from Psychology Today to help.

DO:

Set boundaries and stick to them. Ask yourself “What will I no longer tolerate?” Get professional help as needed to establish healthy boundaries which includes limits of what you can continue to live with as well as limits to what you are willing to do for the offender.

Accept the reality of their character and their behavior. As expert Martha Stout stated, you might follow the “Rule of Threes." If you’ve been deceived by an adult 3 times, that is a strong sign of their lack of conscience. “Deceit is the linchpin of conscienceless behavior.” (Stout, 2006). Do not assume that s/he will eventually change because "s/he is actually a good person.”

Be aware of your own vulnerabilities, and manage them. For example, if the offender triggers your tendency to be self-blaming or self-critical, seek out other family members or friends who are supportive of you. Perhaps your vulnerability is to be overly sympathetic and fall for the “pity play.” According to Stout, “the most reliable sign, the most universal behavior of unscrupulous people is not directed, as one might imagine, at our fearfulness. It is, perversely, an appeal to our sympathy.”

Build supportive relationships. Turn to your trusted friends, or seek out support groups in order to get out of the grip of toxic people in your life. Talking with others about the problems that have been caused by the offender may also help you to see the situation in terms of the facts so that you can respond more wisely.

Try to establish win-win outcomes, whenever possible. This is especially effective with the Machiavellian types. The Machiavellian is mostly motivated to get a positive outcome for himself but has no problem with you also having a good outcome. The exchange is very logical for him or her and there is no need to prove superiority, as there might be with the narcissistic offender.

DON'T:

Do not rely on promises made by the offender. Remember that deception is a common method that these individuals use to manipulate others. They can be experts at appearing earnest and innocent, as well as appealing to your trusting nature or your sympathies.

Do not confide highly personal information which puts your well-being at risk. Do not allow yourself to be emotionally vulnerable to the offender. S/he does not have your best interests in mind.

Do not try to outmaneuver them. They are experts at their game, particularly the Machiavellian types. They will likely realize what you’re trying to do and then redouble their own efforts to manipulate you.

Do not take their words or their behavior toward you as an indication of your own self-worth. As noted by Malkin (2018), "People with Machiavellian traits are (more) likely to be savvy about how they abuse – and whom they target.” They have a sixth sense for those of us who tend to be more trusting, open, or emotionally vulnerable. These are not negative traits and in fact are wonderful traits in the context of caring relationships. However, they do make one more easily taken advantage of by the master manipulators and in the context of unhealthy relationships. You, simply by virtue of your humanity, are worthy of relationships characterized by honesty and kindness. Do not allow the Machiavellians, narcissists, or other subclinical psychopaths in your life to convince you otherwise.

Narc Q and A

Do narcissists get along with other narcissists?: Although even narcissists are put off by negative self-centered qualities, research shows they are more tolerant of each other. The “narcissistic-tolerance theory” holds that due to perceived similarity, narcissists are more tolerant and fond of narcissistic peers.
What happens when you disagree with a narcissist?: The narcissist perceives every disagreement - let alone criticism - as nothing short of a threat. He reacts defensively. He becomes indignant, aggressive and cold. He detaches emotionally for fear of yet another (narcissistic) injury.
What drives a narcissist insane?: The thing that drives a narcissist crazy is the lack of control and the lack of a fight. The less you fight back, the less power you can give them over you, the better,” she says. And because they never think they're wrong, they never apologize.
What happens when you stand up to a narcissist?: If you stand up to someone with a narcissistic personality, you can expect them to respond. Once you speak up and set boundaries, they may come back with some demands of their own. They may also try to manipulate you into feeling guilty or believing that you're the one being unreasonable and controlling.
What do narcissists fear most?: Although narcissists act superior to others and posture as beyond reproach, underneath their grandiose exteriors lurk their deepest fears: That they are flawed, illegitimate, and ordinary.
Do narcissists know they are narcissistic?: They have speculated that if narcissists received true feedback, they would change. The Carlson and colleagues' study suggests this is not the case: Narcissists are fully aware that they are narcissistic and that they have a narcissistic reputation.
Can a narcissist become obsessed with someone?: Narcissists will often seem obsessed with you even after you have discarded them or they have discarded you. In order to understand why Narcissists obsess over their victims, it's important to understand why they are the way they are. First of all, Narcissists have no inner sense of value.
What does a narcissist want?: Narcissists want to have their own way. They tend to be rule-oriented and controlling. They are inflexible. It benefits narcissists to have partners who are willing to go with the flow and not make a big deal over anything, ever.
Do narcissists experience guilt?: Since narcissistic individuals tend to report a reduced ability to feel guilt and usually report low on empathy (Hepper, Hart, Meek, et al., 2014; Wright et al., 1989), (b) we further expect a negative association between vulnerable narcissism and guilt negative behavior evaluation, as well as a negative association.
Is it common for narcissists to accuse others of narcissism?: People with strong narcissistic tendencies and other dark personality traits tend to blame others for their own bad behavior. If they are lying, then they will accuse others of lying. If they are cruel, they will say that others are cruel.